im having a threesome with these popsicles
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
