I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
