I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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