Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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