I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
