you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
