No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
