4 words: hood of his car
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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