I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
