I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
