I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
