He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
