D3 body, D1 cock
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
