Pants 0. Shit 1.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We left the knife in your bed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
