Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
