I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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