toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.