Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
bring money and cleavage
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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