Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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