dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
