I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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