in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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