I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
