I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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