my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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