I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
