Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
