Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
