You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
