I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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