Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
