thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
