I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
