Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.