Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.