After last night, I could never be a politician.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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