Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
White coat. Heels.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
