can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
