It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
