New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
