This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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