Your tits are I can't wait for
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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