end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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