My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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