i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
