nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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