She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
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Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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