i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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