Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We had sex on a dog bed..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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