where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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