Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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