I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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