I'm gonna have a badass scar
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
