Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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