Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
